Living in limbo – the fear is just in our head

Life is too short to live in Limbo. What are you waiting for? Is fear holding you back from living? What’s keeping you from following your dreams?

Five years ago, my life changed. Drastically.  I found a lump in my breast bigger than a golf ball, that had not been there the month before.  Well, it probably was, just smaller & not detectable.  Did you know that cancer cells can multiply from every 292 days to every 3 days – or something like that?  I had the latter, very aggressive.  But I’m getting ahead of myself a bit.

I wanted to chat about the Limbo part….

From the the time I felt the lump through to the actual breast cancer diagnosis I visited Groote Schuur ‘s clinic, a general surgeon, a couple of radiologists, an oncologist & several pathology labs over a period of FOREVER ……… well that’s what 3 days felt like back then.  And that’s the Limbo period – the waiting!

Have you ever experienced that kind of waiting? Waiting for the inevitable, thinking the worst possible case scenario?  Even though everyone I spoke to in those few days assured me I was far too young to have breast cancer & it was probably just a cyst….. the waiting drives you nearly insane.  You begin to contemplate your mortality, you have fears you never knew you had and you feel numb, then hysterical, then numb, then the fear again. 

Will I lose my boob?  Will I lose my hair? Will the chemo make me nauseous? What will happen to my daughter?  What about my job? How will I pay for the treatment?  What happens if I die?

And life carries on, the bills still come, the birds still sing , traffic backs up and you want to shout “Stop! wait for me.”

You question all the things you haven’t done, all the things you may never get to do and you begin to hate yourself for not taking opportunities that were infront of you before.  And the fear takes over.

That’s what Limbo does to you.

And then the diagnosis came and my worst case scenario was presented. Chemo, radical right mastectomy, more chemo, radiation therapy followed by 24 months of hormone treatments AND … “No, you are not a candiate for reconstruction straight away.”  What’s worse you think – death?

“How the frigging hell am I going to get through this?”

I did. And I found within myself a strength and will to live that I would not have known I had, if it were not for this fantastic teacher.

I’m 5 years down the road now.  I am a breast cancer survivor! It wasn’t always easy but I found that the first thing I had to do was get out of my ‘fear head’…. I could not stay in limbo waiting for the poison to do the work on its own. I had to take action, be accountable and get my head and body  healing.

I banished fear and replaced it with living.

I banished the victim and replaced it with a survivor.

I banished the limbo and replaced it with action.

I banished the negative and replaced it with a positive attitude.

I banished the retrospect and replaced it with gratitude.

I banished the blame and replaced it with accountability.

I looked at the experience and I found the teacher.

I banished the gloom and started dreaming of a new life, a different better, abundant life!

I realised I was not alone, help and support were all around me & became comfortable accepting it.

Adversity comes into our lives in many different forms, but it is our attitude towards it that determines how we will overcome it.

You have a choice when you are in limbo:

You can live with it and allow fear to take over, or

You can change your attitude, find the lesson, unleash your unlimited potential and shine as you are meant to shine.

Here’s one of my all time favourite quotes by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

And you realise that your world has ended.  Not ‘The World’, just your world as you knew it. It’s just a chapter that has ended and you are grateful, for had it not happened, you would not know Your New World, with its infinite opportunities and astounding abundant possibilities!

You don’t need adversity to begin shining today.

Reach for your dreams and keep taking steps towards them!

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About Camilla

I once was a caterpillar but when I grew up I found I had the most beautiful wings.
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2 Responses to Living in limbo – the fear is just in our head

  1. My friend on Facebook shared this link with me and I’m not dissapointed that I came to your blog.

  2. JBBC says:

    Hi Camilla, what an inspired piece of writing. It really spoke to me and my echoed my own experience as a young woman with breast cancer. Like you, I have come out the other side, nearly five years later,and learned so much from the experience. You are so right when you tell your readers not to wait to experience the light in your life. May you continue to shine on your journey.
    http://beyondbreastcancer.wordpress.com/about/

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